Because of you, in gardens of blossoming
Flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer
Remember your hands; how did your lips
Feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues
Drowsing in the parks, the white statues that
Have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to
My vague memory of you. I live with pain
That is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
Make to me an irreperable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing
Vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to
Glimpse you in every window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of
Summer pain me; because of you, I again
Seek out the signs that precipitate desires:
Shooting stars, falling objects.

Repost from my unvisited friendster blog site. March 26, 2007.

---As I read the UPLB DCS logbook, I came across my entry which is dated months ago (August 22, 2006 - 11:33 PM /August 23, 2006  - 9:15 AM). If you share the same sentiments or passion of finding reason and meaning to life, this may be a good read.

        Some people say that it is at the sunset of one’s life that he realizes how he missed out on things that really mattered in this world. In this sunset, everything he could see are hazy images of the things he had done in the past. Nothing may be as bright as the setting sun. Everything else falls on the background and fades away with the light, consumed by the darkness that the lost of light creates. It is then that he asks himself of the questions that brings forth doubts that he had, for so many times, disregarded and ignored. Did he live a meaningful life? Did he do the things that really mattered? Did he change somebody else’s life? Did he gave light to someone who can’t see? Did he prove his worth?

        It is funny to think that these things really are happening. We only see these happen in the movies, soaps, or other stuff intended to make us feel things we never felt before. Then it hits you. Right in the middle of your smirk for the lousy actor crying in front of you. You’re paying more attention and you’re finding it not very happy anymore. Why? Because it is you that you are laughing at. We never see things clearly until it hits us, point-blank, straight in the face. It’s only then that we realize how much we have given up lot of things for the one we love, or how stupid we had been for doing things that are against our very reason to live. We have deprived ourselves of the things that are most fundamental for our survival, for our existence. We concentrated on things that satisfied our lust for happiness and satisfaction. So concentrated that we forgot how this lust should have been a simple want for the simplest things that would have eventually made us complete, not wanting and not searching. We could have finally defined our existence and purpose, if not for the desires that consumed our being.

        Life is a matter of choice. It had always been and always will be. It is not only by the end of our destinies and unfolding of our fates that we decide to start to choose. It had long started. From the very beginning of our destinies to the very moment we sealed our fate and the very start of living the life that we chose. You see, it’s all about choices, it’s all about starts, it’s all about living. No matter what happens in our lives, it will all end; sending us back to where we have started. It will be upon us to choose the kind of life that we wanted to live, that we wanted to be remembered. You will have to choose, sooner or later, you would have to believe in your destiny and choose the faith that will best go with it, that make you live your life to its full.

        Maybe if you chose the right fate and decided to live it, by the end of the day, or the end of your life, the sunset would be a marvelous sight, with your memories glistening as bright as the sun. Those memories that you have would still fade away with the light of the sun; but instead of it consuming your being, it would actually be the stars, twinkling in the darkest nights of your lives, reminding you how meaningful your life has been and how you have given light to others. This eliminates your doubts and fears. This gives you a feeling of self-worth, a feeling of contentment – the best state where you have ceased to want and you have ceased to search. This is time when nothing else in your life mattered, when nothing else is more important than yourself, when nothing – not even the most devastating moments in the past, present, or the future – could make you feel worst, miserable, and defeated. It is in this time of your life, that no matter how many mistakes you have done, whatever shortcomings that you have shown, no matter how many sorries and regrets that you have, you could say and attest to yourself that you have believed in your destiny, lived your fate, stood by your choices, and became the happy, contented, complete, and fulfilled person that you are – yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

        Just go on. Live your life. Make it memorable. Make it worth remembering. Let them aspire to be you, to live your life. Inspire them. Enlighten. Change them. Walk with them. Hand in hand, go on in the path of life. See through the end. Feel the light and air at the tunnel’s end. Learn from your mistakes. Share thoughts with others. Forget your regrets. Put away your doubts. Believe in yourself. Do what makes you happy. Don’t deprive yourself. Reach your bliss. Bring others along. Stay there. Be contented. Respect their happiness. Value their contentment. By the end of the day, smile. By the end of your life, live.


This is me. Welcome to my world.

Living its life
through long months
Too short to be worthwhile,
long enough to be worthy

One goal that's been known
The truth of it all
is in that half-hour
or in that one whole

The waters had
been risky. Perilous.
Dangers lurked.
Hiding, waiting.

Evading everything
and living through.
Knowing that the
awaited sunset will come.

Spreading its wings.
Dancing. Finding.
Found. Done.
Ephemeral bliss.

Long months
lived and worthy.
Found. And lost.
Forever.

haha. wla lang. i just found this one in my ex-missing flash disk. :)

1. Were you smiling when you woke up
this morning?
+hmm, i think i wasn't. I heard the loud alarm of my fone plus the fact that I was awaken, in the midle of my precious sleep, by a very nuissance call. hmpft!

2.When was the last time you met
someone
new?
+ about two hours ago, i think. i forgot her name though. she'll replace Keen in the PR dept after she resigns.

3.When did you last eat pizza?
+ March 28, 2008. New yorker's pizza or something. Yellow Cab. During the get together at Starbucks Greenbelt.

4.Do you drink beer?
+ is this a trick question? haha

5.Do you wash your own clothes?
+ I can. But i don't really. Just the small ones.

6.Are you any good at poker?
+ I haven't played it. But I do know pusoy and pusoy dos [to name a few] so I guess I can be good at it.

7.What do you want more than anything
right now?
+ Go to the beach and wear a very sexy two-piece bikini!!! My gahd! I want it more than my back pay! ahaha

8.Are you tired?
+ Sort of. Not physically though.

9.Besides your bed, what is your
favorite thing in your room?
+ Fridge? haha.

10.Pepsi or Coke?
+ Light coke please

11.Would you ever take someone back if
they cheated on you?
+ hmmm, considering all other factors and past experiences, I probably would. BUT, only if they come clean. And only ONCE.

13. Jollibee or McDonald's?
+ JOLLIBEE? As if I have much of a choice these days.

14.Are you restless?
+ Yes.

15.Is your computer desktop or a
laptop?
+ Desktop in the office, Laptop at home.

17.Want to be a prince/princess?
+ maybe. So long as there's no dark witch.

18.Do you believe dreams come true?
+ Dreams as in aspirations, yes. Dreams as in dreams, i dunnno.

19.Last song you heard?
+ I believe by Fantasia before I started answering. While answering, tonight i wanna cry by Keith Urban

ROUND 2 (TAGALOG)
1.)Halata ba pag galit ka?
+ Yeah. Coz it's like painted all-over my face.

2.)Sino ang taong nagpapangiti sayo
lagi?
+ marami. pero may isang namimiss ko.

3.)Malihim ka ba o open ka sa feelings
mo?
+ my life is an open book. but only to those who have earned the right to read the chapters of my life.

4.)Isang bagay na HINDI mo
katatamarang
gawin?
+ kumain.

5.)Huling bagay na inireklamo sau ng
friend mo?
+ ang tangkad ko daw.

6.)Movie na nagpapa-relax sayo?
+ epics. or yung napapaisip ako. pwede ring yung comedy. good humor.

7.)Pag pinapagalitan ka ng parent/s
mo,
ano ginagawa mo?
+ tiklop. haha.

8.)Post paid or pre-paid?
+ prepaid. may load allowance. hehe

9.)Bagay na interesado ka laging pag
usapan?
+ buhay buhay.

10.)Takot ka ba sa ipis?
+ nah.

11.)Sinong huli mong naka-away?
+ ewan. peace loving ako eh. hehe

12.)Anong mas enjoy: food trip o sound
trip?
+ FOOD! Kung alak ang itatanong mo, alam mo na yan. haha

13.)Recent activity na ikinapagod mo
ng
sobra?
Yung Pinay In Action. 5k run. lawit dila at tagaktak pawis eh. haha. pero twas fun!

wala lang. i remember the videoke nights. :) along with the many sleepless nights.

Socio-political muna. Two weeks ago or during the oly week, the price of rice is at 28 for our town in tarlac. My mom predicted that it wll reach 40 pesos if the big rice traders keep on hoarding rice and palay. True enough, news last night showed that the price of rice has reached 35-40 pesos and is expected to reach 60 pesos. Now, now. i don't believe there's a rice shortage at all. But I do believe that there is something wrong in the distribution of rice in the country and the monopoly of those who have it. The demand is constant but the supply is decreasing plus the panic buying so the price really would go up. Which is just so unfair for those farmers who produce them at a very high cost but sells them for low profits and investment returns. And, kawawa din lalo ang mga umaasa sa NFA rice dahil kahit yun ay nagkakaubusan na dahil na rin sa kasakiman ng mga rice hoarders. Ilabas na ang bigas!!!

On Brian Gorrell and the so-called Gucci Gang. I think Gorrell is a Machiavellian. You know, the end justifies the means. He wants his $70000 back from his ex-lover. And his doing so by letting the whole world know what kind of people he used to come with. Is he bitter? Of course he is. Is he telling the truth? Maybe he is. Is what he's doing just right? I do not know. What's clear though is that a lot of people has been dragged in this mess. And their families are, too. I'm not siding with anybody. It's just that scorching everybody just to get the attention, and subsequently and hopefully the money, is not doing anybody any good. He's being sued. The socialites are having their reputations dissed. maybe they deserve it, maybe they don't. But you know, it's not always the end that matters. What's important is what's in between. I do hope he gets his money back na if he really was duped.

Showbiz!!! Teleseryes!!! PBB!!! I'm hooked. I'm addicted. Waaaahhhh!!! Get this:
LYKA sa LOBO: Sabi nila, pag ang tao nawalan ng paa o kamay, ramdam pa rin nila ang sakit. Parang ako. Wala na sa akin ang puso ko pero ang sakit pa rin. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

This is me. Welcome to my world.

wala lang. hai.

Start:	Apr 27, '08 12:00a
Location:	Los Banos

Yep. I'm turning 21! Hurrah! Hello Emirates!

Tomorrow, I'll celebrate my monthsarry. Singleville isn't that bad afterall. Minus all the crying and hurting, the pain and suffering, of thinking and wondering, it really, may not be that bad afterall. t's just that you know. There are days of missing the woman that I once was, the us that we once were, and the love that we once shared. All I've got left are memories, which even though I love, has been making me sad. And though I know that it may be for the best (after knowing that he feels the same way after all), I still don't know if it's a great decision or a stupid mistake. Hai. Whichever whatever. LIfe's like that, I guess. I just wish the days will pass quickly. Deep vein thrombosis people. It kills.

This is me. Welcome to my world.

Hmmm. Been long since my last blog. I mean, you know, the pour-my-heart-out kind of blog. Anyway, I hope this is just a short one. Coz i'm just stealing some time off my work hour. hehe

First off, I moved to a new place last February 23. I'm not a Novaliches girl anymore. I now live in Mandaluyong, somewhere near MRT's Boni Station. So if you wanna spend some time and you're somewhere near, just text me. hehe

Second, I made a great leap from couplehood to singleville. Last February 29. My decision. End of the story.

Third, I am now being more serious with my life, especially with my work. I am, once more, on the verge of changing my future. hehe. nah. Not really. Just that I now know the real value of hard work. haha. I don't really know what I am saying anymore.

(Minor Changes: I am on a no rice [but other-carbs-as-you-can] diet, I changed my multply theme, and I changed my headshot [which I really love] and I am becoming an arcade-with-ticket-prizes addict!)

Hai. LIfe. Hate it or love it, we just gotta live it.

This is me. Welcome to my world.

Start:	Mar 9, '08 06:00a
Location:	NBC Tent, Fort Bonifacio, Global City

An All Women's Run Race featuring 1.6k, 5k and 10k distances, plus an All Day Expo on Health, Wellness, and Beauty, and exhibits of our Various Advocacies on Women, Health, and Environment. We will also have mini activities throught the course of the day in the NBC Tent, including a Run Clinic and Salon Makeovers for Women Cancer Patients and Survivors. You may contact bikeforhope@yahoo.com for early registration inquiries.

hai. current theme song of my life. hai again. *sniff sniff*

It’s not about you and me, But just be wrong if we held on, Maybe tomorrow we’ll find, A taste for the old days hard lessons, We’ve left behind, This mirrors an open door, I can barely stand to see myself, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m crying out for help, Ohh lord...

Much has been said, Will I never learn, Keeping my fingers crossed, Praying for my luck to turn, But I can’t complain, I’m living it easy, Job’s keeping me busy, Going crazy...

It just seems crazy for me to think, That I’ll find love a second time, But we all know how it all wraps up in the end, Maybe tomorrow we’ll find, Ohhh lord, What am I leaving behind...

*sniff sniff*

As defined by the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary,

Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence 
Pronunciation: \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s\
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
Date: 1918
1: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action2 a: continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b: uncertainty as to which approach to follow
— am·biv·a·lent \-lənt\ adjective
— am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb

 

Ambivalent. I am. I wish I wasn't. I shouldn't.

 

This is me. Welcome to my world.

 

well, i was a sucker for this Westlife when i was still in high school. these were the songs i cried to, i laughed to, and i shared memories with. i remember dedicating some of their songs to my friends. you know, with the crying, emote effect. oh well, time for another moda moment. i just feel like i am crying, silently, inside of me. *sniff sniff*

Hmmm. wala lang. we've been singing this forever in the office. and, jer and I was trying to do a sign language interpretation of it. jer, nica and I plan to watch it later. that is, if we settle which mall will be fair to everybody since Jer lives inVito Cruz, Nica at Gudalupe and me at Boni. haher. good luck with us!

trip down the memory lane. i know i was once in this situation. i believe i am beyond it now. i hope. maybe you still are. if you are, well, muster some courage and face the realities that this blog will present to you.

alam mong nasasaktan ka. ramdam mo ang hapding gumuguhit sa dibdib sa t’wing maaalala siya o kaya naman ay may magbibirong nariyan siya, nakita niya lalo na kung may kasama ng iba. ang katotohanan kasi, wala na kayo, nakahanap na siya at naiwan ka.

masakit? kung gayon ay ‘wag mo ng ituloy ang pagbasa.

kung kaya mong tiisin, ituloy natin.

susubukan mong makalimot, ititindig mo ang sarili at sasabihing “magsisimula akong muli!” binura mo na ang number niya. maaaring ang ilang larawan o mga love letters niya ay itinapon mo na rin. ang mga regalo niya, nasa kahon na o di kaya ay naipamigay mo na. sa ganitong paraan, pinapalaya mo ang sarili mo sa mga alaala niya. inaalis mo ang mga naiwan niya. gayunman, may mga alaalang mahirap alisin lalo na kung naiwan ito sa puso mo.

napaso ka ba? pwede kang tumigil, magmura at sabihing siraulo ang nagsulat nito. pero alam kong mas siraulo ka dahil tatapusin mo pa rin ang pagbabasa.

at dahil sa masasayang sandali ninyo, may mga kantang pinili ninyong maging theme song. paano ka ngayon makakaligtas sa radyo o sa mga concert o  minsan, sa sasakyan. ilang beses mo na bang naranasan na masaya ka, maayos at ang araw ay tila para sa iyo nang biglang may maririnig kang awit na magpapaalaala sa inyo. pareho pa ba ang nararamdaman mo? ang hatid bang saya ng awit na ito noon ay katumbas ngayon? E’ kung biruin kitang ang awit na ito ay pinili rin nilang maging awit, o mas malala ay gawing theme song sa kasal nila?

paano kung sabihin ko sa’yo na sa nararamdaman mo ngayon ay talo ka. isa kang loser!

handa ka ba kung sakaling magkasalubong kayo? ano ang sasabihin mo? Paano kung magtapat siya sa’yo at sabihing mahal ka pala niya. ikaw pala ang tama para sa kanya. nakabukas ang kanyang mga braso at naghihintay ng yakap. tatanggapin mo ba siya? hindi mo ba iisiping nagbalik siya dahil alam n’yang hindi mo siya matitiis? dahil ang alam niya… siya ang sentro ng buhay mo?

ouch?!! isumpa mo man ako, itutuloy ko pa rin.

wala ng gustong makinig sa’yo.  ang kwento ng pag-iibigan niyo ay alam na ng lahat ng kaibigan mo. hindi pa siya naisusulat at nagagawang telenovela o di kaya dulang panradyo ay pinagsawaan na ng mga tao dahil sa paulit-ulit mong kwento. wala ng gustong bumili sa mga sakit na nararamdaman mo. wala ng gustong makinig. dahil wala ng interesado… ikaw na lang ang naiwan diyan, at maging siya, wala ng pakialam sa’yo.

wag kang umiyak. nakanangp*cha! bumenta na ‘yan.

ang pagkakaroon ng minamahal o ng kasintahan ay nagbubunga ng mas malaking barkada, ng kaibigan o ng nakikilala. sa madaling salita, lumalawak ang mundo. e’ bakit pinaliit mo ang mundo mo sa kanya?! paano mong tiniis na mabuhay nang nakasentro sa kanya?

gumalaw-galaw ka muna at baka ka maistroke.

totoong moving on from a relationship is hard. lahat ng reasons meron ka. infact pwede mong isulat ang 1001 reasons kung bakit mo nararamdaman ‘yan. gayunman, hindi mo pa napapapublish yan, may magsusulat na ng 1002 reasons why you need to move on, o kaya naman 1003 reasons kung bakit masayang maging malaya  at 1004 reasons kung bakit ka dapat tawaging loser.

alam mong hindi binibilang ang taon at lalong hindi sinusukat ang effort. alam mong pareho kayong naging masaya noon. ano ngayon ang dahilan para magsisi o manghinayang sa mga nakaraang araw?

maaaring lahat ng mura ay naipukol mo na sa kanya. kung nakamamatay ang mga masasakit na salitang iyan, o ang galit na nararamdaman mo ay maaaring nailibing na siya. alam mong hindi maibabalik ng mga iyan ang relasyon ninyo. alam mong hindi mo siya mapipilit at alam mong hindi mo kontrolado ang buhay niya. marami kang alam pero ang totoo, merong kang hindi alam. alam mo ba na kontrolado niya ang buhay mo?  alam mo ba na ginagawa ka niyang tanga hanggang ngayon? sa nangyari sa’yo,  alam mo ba na maraming masasayang araw ang pinapalampas mo. alam mo rin ba na hindi mo kailanman mapapalitan ang minahal mong ‘yan, di mo mahahanap at di darating ang para sa’yo? dahil hindi mo alam na may taong handang gumalang sa nararamdaman mo, handa kang tanggapin, handa kang ingatan, handang magsakripisyo at mahalin ka ng labis kaysa sa pagmamahal mo? alam mo bang maaaring nariyan na siya kaso ay hindi makapasok sa buhay mo dahil sarado pa, dahil abala ka pa sa tumarantado sa’yo.

o sabihin man nating ang mga iyon ay walang kasiguruhan, ang totoo ay hindi mo alam na ang paghihiwalay ninyo ay mas makabubuti sa’yo.

kelan ka huling humigop ng kape o ng tsaa kasama ng mga kaibigan mo? kelan ka huling nagjogging? kelan ka huling nagbakasyon. kelan ka huling tumingala sa langit at pagmasdan ang paglipad ng malalayang ibon at paggalaw ng ulap. kelan mo huling nasulyapan ang paglubog ng araw at unti-unti pag ningas ng kalawakan sa paglabas ng mga bitwin.

kelan ka huling lumabas kasama ng mga mahal mo sa buhay? kelan mo huling nakabonding ang kapatid, kaibigan o magulang mo? kelan ka huling naglinis ng kwarto?  kelan ka huling nagsulat sa diary, kelan ka huling nagbasa at nakatapos ng libro?

marami ka ng napapalampas. kanino mo gustong marinig ang salitang move-on? sa kanya?  masarap maramdaman na kontrolado mo ang buhay mo. masarap makitang muli kang nakatayo, in-control, at nagagawa mo ang gusto mo. masarap maging malaya. 

 *Hango mula pa rin sa entry sa http://bernardumali.wordpress.com/2007/08/. Pagtanaw.