Because of you, in gardens of blossoming
Flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer
Remember your hands; how did your lips
Feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues
Drowsing in the parks, the white statues that
Have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to
My vague memory of you. I live with pain
That is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
Make to me an irreperable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing
Vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to
Glimpse you in every window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of
Summer pain me; because of you, I again
Seek out the signs that precipitate desires:
Shooting stars, falling objects.

Living its life
through long months
Too short to be worthwhile,
long enough to be worthy

One goal that's been known
The truth of it all
is in that half-hour
or in that one whole

The waters had
been risky. Perilous.
Dangers lurked.
Hiding, waiting.

Evading everything
and living through.
Knowing that the
awaited sunset will come.

Spreading its wings.
Dancing. Finding.
Found. Done.
Ephemeral bliss.

Long months
lived and worthy.
Found. And lost.
Forever.

wala lang. i remember the videoke nights. :) along with the many sleepless nights.

wala lang. hai.

Tomorrow, I'll celebrate my monthsarry. Singleville isn't that bad afterall. Minus all the crying and hurting, the pain and suffering, of thinking and wondering, it really, may not be that bad afterall. t's just that you know. There are days of missing the woman that I once was, the us that we once were, and the love that we once shared. All I've got left are memories, which even though I love, has been making me sad. And though I know that it may be for the best (after knowing that he feels the same way after all), I still don't know if it's a great decision or a stupid mistake. Hai. Whichever whatever. LIfe's like that, I guess. I just wish the days will pass quickly. Deep vein thrombosis people. It kills.

This is me. Welcome to my world.

Hmmm. Been long since my last blog. I mean, you know, the pour-my-heart-out kind of blog. Anyway, I hope this is just a short one. Coz i'm just stealing some time off my work hour. hehe

First off, I moved to a new place last February 23. I'm not a Novaliches girl anymore. I now live in Mandaluyong, somewhere near MRT's Boni Station. So if you wanna spend some time and you're somewhere near, just text me. hehe

Second, I made a great leap from couplehood to singleville. Last February 29. My decision. End of the story.

Third, I am now being more serious with my life, especially with my work. I am, once more, on the verge of changing my future. hehe. nah. Not really. Just that I now know the real value of hard work. haha. I don't really know what I am saying anymore.

(Minor Changes: I am on a no rice [but other-carbs-as-you-can] diet, I changed my multply theme, and I changed my headshot [which I really love] and I am becoming an arcade-with-ticket-prizes addict!)

Hai. LIfe. Hate it or love it, we just gotta live it.

This is me. Welcome to my world.

hai. current theme song of my life. hai again. *sniff sniff*

It’s not about you and me, But just be wrong if we held on, Maybe tomorrow we’ll find, A taste for the old days hard lessons, We’ve left behind, This mirrors an open door, I can barely stand to see myself, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m crying out for help, Ohh lord...

Much has been said, Will I never learn, Keeping my fingers crossed, Praying for my luck to turn, But I can’t complain, I’m living it easy, Job’s keeping me busy, Going crazy...

It just seems crazy for me to think, That I’ll find love a second time, But we all know how it all wraps up in the end, Maybe tomorrow we’ll find, Ohhh lord, What am I leaving behind...

*sniff sniff*

As defined by the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary,

Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence 
Pronunciation: \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s\
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
Date: 1918
1: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action2 a: continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b: uncertainty as to which approach to follow
— am·biv·a·lent \-lənt\ adjective
— am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb

 

Ambivalent. I am. I wish I wasn't. I shouldn't.

 

This is me. Welcome to my world.

 

well, i was a sucker for this Westlife when i was still in high school. these were the songs i cried to, i laughed to, and i shared memories with. i remember dedicating some of their songs to my friends. you know, with the crying, emote effect. oh well, time for another moda moment. i just feel like i am crying, silently, inside of me. *sniff sniff*

Hmmm. wala lang. we've been singing this forever in the office. and, jer and I was trying to do a sign language interpretation of it. jer, nica and I plan to watch it later. that is, if we settle which mall will be fair to everybody since Jer lives inVito Cruz, Nica at Gudalupe and me at Boni. haher. good luck with us!

trip down the memory lane. i know i was once in this situation. i believe i am beyond it now. i hope. maybe you still are. if you are, well, muster some courage and face the realities that this blog will present to you.

alam mong nasasaktan ka. ramdam mo ang hapding gumuguhit sa dibdib sa t’wing maaalala siya o kaya naman ay may magbibirong nariyan siya, nakita niya lalo na kung may kasama ng iba. ang katotohanan kasi, wala na kayo, nakahanap na siya at naiwan ka.

masakit? kung gayon ay ‘wag mo ng ituloy ang pagbasa.

kung kaya mong tiisin, ituloy natin.

susubukan mong makalimot, ititindig mo ang sarili at sasabihing “magsisimula akong muli!” binura mo na ang number niya. maaaring ang ilang larawan o mga love letters niya ay itinapon mo na rin. ang mga regalo niya, nasa kahon na o di kaya ay naipamigay mo na. sa ganitong paraan, pinapalaya mo ang sarili mo sa mga alaala niya. inaalis mo ang mga naiwan niya. gayunman, may mga alaalang mahirap alisin lalo na kung naiwan ito sa puso mo.

napaso ka ba? pwede kang tumigil, magmura at sabihing siraulo ang nagsulat nito. pero alam kong mas siraulo ka dahil tatapusin mo pa rin ang pagbabasa.

at dahil sa masasayang sandali ninyo, may mga kantang pinili ninyong maging theme song. paano ka ngayon makakaligtas sa radyo o sa mga concert o  minsan, sa sasakyan. ilang beses mo na bang naranasan na masaya ka, maayos at ang araw ay tila para sa iyo nang biglang may maririnig kang awit na magpapaalaala sa inyo. pareho pa ba ang nararamdaman mo? ang hatid bang saya ng awit na ito noon ay katumbas ngayon? E’ kung biruin kitang ang awit na ito ay pinili rin nilang maging awit, o mas malala ay gawing theme song sa kasal nila?

paano kung sabihin ko sa’yo na sa nararamdaman mo ngayon ay talo ka. isa kang loser!

handa ka ba kung sakaling magkasalubong kayo? ano ang sasabihin mo? Paano kung magtapat siya sa’yo at sabihing mahal ka pala niya. ikaw pala ang tama para sa kanya. nakabukas ang kanyang mga braso at naghihintay ng yakap. tatanggapin mo ba siya? hindi mo ba iisiping nagbalik siya dahil alam n’yang hindi mo siya matitiis? dahil ang alam niya… siya ang sentro ng buhay mo?

ouch?!! isumpa mo man ako, itutuloy ko pa rin.

wala ng gustong makinig sa’yo.  ang kwento ng pag-iibigan niyo ay alam na ng lahat ng kaibigan mo. hindi pa siya naisusulat at nagagawang telenovela o di kaya dulang panradyo ay pinagsawaan na ng mga tao dahil sa paulit-ulit mong kwento. wala ng gustong bumili sa mga sakit na nararamdaman mo. wala ng gustong makinig. dahil wala ng interesado… ikaw na lang ang naiwan diyan, at maging siya, wala ng pakialam sa’yo.

wag kang umiyak. nakanangp*cha! bumenta na ‘yan.

ang pagkakaroon ng minamahal o ng kasintahan ay nagbubunga ng mas malaking barkada, ng kaibigan o ng nakikilala. sa madaling salita, lumalawak ang mundo. e’ bakit pinaliit mo ang mundo mo sa kanya?! paano mong tiniis na mabuhay nang nakasentro sa kanya?

gumalaw-galaw ka muna at baka ka maistroke.

totoong moving on from a relationship is hard. lahat ng reasons meron ka. infact pwede mong isulat ang 1001 reasons kung bakit mo nararamdaman ‘yan. gayunman, hindi mo pa napapapublish yan, may magsusulat na ng 1002 reasons why you need to move on, o kaya naman 1003 reasons kung bakit masayang maging malaya  at 1004 reasons kung bakit ka dapat tawaging loser.

alam mong hindi binibilang ang taon at lalong hindi sinusukat ang effort. alam mong pareho kayong naging masaya noon. ano ngayon ang dahilan para magsisi o manghinayang sa mga nakaraang araw?

maaaring lahat ng mura ay naipukol mo na sa kanya. kung nakamamatay ang mga masasakit na salitang iyan, o ang galit na nararamdaman mo ay maaaring nailibing na siya. alam mong hindi maibabalik ng mga iyan ang relasyon ninyo. alam mong hindi mo siya mapipilit at alam mong hindi mo kontrolado ang buhay niya. marami kang alam pero ang totoo, merong kang hindi alam. alam mo ba na kontrolado niya ang buhay mo?  alam mo ba na ginagawa ka niyang tanga hanggang ngayon? sa nangyari sa’yo,  alam mo ba na maraming masasayang araw ang pinapalampas mo. alam mo rin ba na hindi mo kailanman mapapalitan ang minahal mong ‘yan, di mo mahahanap at di darating ang para sa’yo? dahil hindi mo alam na may taong handang gumalang sa nararamdaman mo, handa kang tanggapin, handa kang ingatan, handang magsakripisyo at mahalin ka ng labis kaysa sa pagmamahal mo? alam mo bang maaaring nariyan na siya kaso ay hindi makapasok sa buhay mo dahil sarado pa, dahil abala ka pa sa tumarantado sa’yo.

o sabihin man nating ang mga iyon ay walang kasiguruhan, ang totoo ay hindi mo alam na ang paghihiwalay ninyo ay mas makabubuti sa’yo.

kelan ka huling humigop ng kape o ng tsaa kasama ng mga kaibigan mo? kelan ka huling nagjogging? kelan ka huling nagbakasyon. kelan ka huling tumingala sa langit at pagmasdan ang paglipad ng malalayang ibon at paggalaw ng ulap. kelan mo huling nasulyapan ang paglubog ng araw at unti-unti pag ningas ng kalawakan sa paglabas ng mga bitwin.

kelan ka huling lumabas kasama ng mga mahal mo sa buhay? kelan mo huling nakabonding ang kapatid, kaibigan o magulang mo? kelan ka huling naglinis ng kwarto?  kelan ka huling nagsulat sa diary, kelan ka huling nagbasa at nakatapos ng libro?

marami ka ng napapalampas. kanino mo gustong marinig ang salitang move-on? sa kanya?  masarap maramdaman na kontrolado mo ang buhay mo. masarap makitang muli kang nakatayo, in-control, at nagagawa mo ang gusto mo. masarap maging malaya. 

 *Hango mula pa rin sa entry sa http://bernardumali.wordpress.com/2007/08/. Pagtanaw. 

This is a repost from Jed's blog. It ain't really a mushy thingy but I think it's just right to give justice to Cupid's existence, especially that V-day is fast approaching. :p

According to Roman mythology, Cupid was the son of Venus, the goddess of love and beauty. Cupid was known to cause people to fall in love by shooting them with his magical arrows. But Cupid didn't just cause others to fall in love - he himself fell deeply in love.

As legend has it, Cupid fell in love with a mortal maiden named Psyche. Cupid married Psyche, but Venus, jealous of Psyche's beauty, forbade her daughter-in-law to look at Cupid. Psyche, of course, couldn't resist temptation and sneaked a peek at her handsome husband. As punishment, Venus demanded that she perform three hard tasks, the last of which caused Psyche's death.

Cupid brought Psyche back to life and the gods, moved by their love, granted Pysche immortality. Cupid thus represents the heart and Psyche the (struggles of the) human soul.

This is me. Welcome to my world.

As defined by Wikipedia, Philosophy is the discipline concerned with the questions of how one should live (ethics); what sorts of things exist and what are their essential natures (metaphysics); what counts as genuine knowledge (epistemology); and what are the correct principles of reasoning (logic).

But when it comes to love, there is no such thing as knowledge, logic, or ethics. The only thing that maters is happiness. Truth or lie? Ask yourself.

1.  Totoong may sariling diskarte ang puso. Pero isipin mo rin na ang utak, puso, bituka, magkakaiba man ay nasa iisang katawan. Hindi mo pwedeng sisihin ang puso o ang utak o ang bituka. Wala silang karapatang kumilos ng taliwas sa gusto mo. Pasalamat ka, dahil kung meron, malamang nauna na silang nagpatiwakal dahil sa sobrang kakornihan at kababawan ng pinoproblema mo.  Huwag mo ring hintayin na lumabas ang bituka mo at pilipitin ang leeg mo.

2. Kung niloko ka lang, hindi ka pa pwedeng ituring na tanga. Pero nung alam mo nang niloloko ka at wala kang ginawa, ginawa mong tanga ang sarili mo.

3. Kung hahayaan mo ang sarili mo na malugmok dyan at makita mo siyang nakamove-on na, tiyak iiyak ka sa sakit. Kaya unahan mo na siya.

4. kung nagpaparamdam siya at nagpapaawa effect, busan mo siya ng malamig na tubig at sabihing you’re nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy cat. Bumenta na ang kadramahan niya. Saka mo sundutin ng I never said that I love you!

5. Bawas-bawasan mo ang panonood ng mga dramarama at mga telenovela. Masyado ka ng maemote sa buhay.

6. ‘Wag mo ng masyadong ikunukuwento sa madla ang kasawian ng pag-ibig mo. karamihan sa mga interesadong makinig e naghahanap lang ng bagong mapag-uusapan. Hindi ibig sabihin na tumatango sila e nakikisimpatya sila. Piliin  mo lang ang mga kaibigan o kamag-anak na pagkukuwentuhan mo, yung siguradong tutulong para makamove-on ka. Pero kung celebrity ka, okay lang na maging public entertainment ang buhay mo, dagdag kita ‘yan.

7. kung may natatapos, happy ending man o hindi… may magsisimula. Isulat mo sa final credit ng pelikula ng buhay mo ang pangalan niya bilang bahagi ng nakaraan. Sa ilalim ng pangalan niya ay ilagay mo ang mga katagang Rest in Peace. Ang mga relasyong tinapos na ay huwag mo ng buhayin. Magsimula ka na ulit ng panibago.  Ito ang best gift sa atin, ang makapagsimula. Palatandaan lang na tapos na at may pagkakataon ka ng isulat o likhain ang bagong kabanata ng buhay mo.

*Hango sa http://bernardumali.wordpress.com/2007/08/ 

harhar. The weeek that was and the week that currently is. My gawd! define hell week noong college. haher. pero, as of this moment, pasok na lahat ng artiks ko for Feb so, petiks muna ng konti. ehehe

January issue of H&L magazine is out now! do take time to visit your fave bookstores and get a copy. pag may nakit kayong six guys na naka-coat and tie against a blackish/greyish background, yun na yun! hehe. The cover is graced by six of the top icons in Philippine medical scene. :D

nyhoo, i'l be in LB tom. UPLB DevComSoc's finals for the applicants. hmm, first time to attend as an alumni. ano kaya mangyayari? peace inaanak!hehe. happy birthday to Laiah na din! lubshyah!

hmmm, I have a manliligaw nga pla. na pinapataba ako. haha. thanks kay Mrs. Fields!

Adobe InDesign learning time with Jer-jer na nga pla. Good luck sakin! hehe

This is me. Wecome to my world.

Meet Theodore. This is his story.

I was still a hundred meters away but I can already smell the aroma of coffee and tea. Along with it goes the second-hand smoke from customers outside, chattering humurously and talking seriously. Then I saw her. She was in our usual table. Yung paborito naming may low-light effect. I puffed my zig for the last time and then I entered.

Diretso ako sa counter to order grande java chip frappe. Not that it is my fave. Pansin ko kasi naka-caramel frappe siya ngaon. hindi akoganong sanay dito pero pag yun ang order nia, java chip naman ang binibili ko. When I got my drink, I approached her in our table. Act casual, sabi ko sa sarili ko, sabay ngiti sa kanya at bati ng "Hi".

"Hey," she said. I think she didn't notice me coming. "Good to see you. Been a long time."
"Yeah. Was busy," sabi ko, kahit di naman ganong totoo. "What's up?"
"Wala naman. Same same. Kaw?"
"Boring stuff. Haha. Trust me, tutulugan mo lang ako if kwinento ko," I was trying to be funny kasi wala akong masabi.

Shet. Ang ganda talaga niya. That smile of hers, so pure, so true. God, I missed her.

"Sige na, ikwento mo na. Wala pa naman sila eh," she said, looking really interested.
"Oo nga noh. Late na naman sila. Mga yun talaga!" I was trying to change the topic, desperately.
"Kaya nga. Share muna dyan. Knowing them, they probably won't be here yet. Mga 30 minutes siguro," she just won't let go. Di ko talaga siya matiis pag ganito.
"You seriously wanna know? It's really boring."

I was thinking, ano naman kaya maikwento ko sa kanya? Andaming nangyari in the past six months pero parang ang hirap mag-isip. Baka ma-bore lang kasi siya.

"Sige na. Mamaya ako naman. Deal?"
"Deal."

Meet REINE. This is her story.

I was halfway through my grande caramel frappe when he arrived. He lined up in the counter and ordered his grande java chip frappe before he said hi and joined my table. And as usual, medyo natulala na naman ako. It took me about three seconds before I answered.

"Hey," I anxiously said. "Good to see you. Been a long time."
"Yeah. Was busy," he said smiling. "What's up?"
"Wala naman. Same same. Kaw?"
"Boring stuff. Haha. Trust me, tutulugan mo lang ako if kwinento ko," he said, grinning.

There it was again. That smile. It's killing me. Isang ngiti niya lang, parang nawawala na'ko sa sarili ko. I just can't help it.

"Sige na, ikwento mo na. Wala pa naman sila eh," I eagerly said, hoping to hear about the things in his life.
"Oo nga noh. Late na naman sila. Mga yun talaga!"
"Kaya nga. Share muna dyan. Knowing them, they probably won't be here yet. Mga 30 minutes siguro."
"You seriously wanna know? It's really boring."

Isip-isip ko, kahit ano basta ikaw nagkwento, I won't be bored.

"Sige na. Mamaya ako naman. Deal?"
"Deal."

oh well. 2007's about to bid me bye, in 8hrs. guess what? i thought it isnt the only thing that's ending. a few hours ago, i was having my last drink of the year. with my hs classmates and my cousin and his friends. one great party. i had a really really wonderful time. as in so great! well, at least I did. until I got so drunk. like "im so drunk i forgot some of the things i did" kind of drunk. and i know i did foolish things. like foolish things. and i remember bits and pieces of it. i was so wasted and yet i can remember. i wish i am not able to. so that it'l be easier to forget. but it's just unforgettable. so fucking unforgettable. i messed up. i screwed up. big time. but guess what. i am gona leave it behind. im gonna try to forget it happened. and yes, its not gonna be easy. the bits and pieces will always be there. but it won't be enough to break me. I AM WHAT I AM. i will get through this. so goodbye 2007. hello 2008. a fresh year, a fresh start. bring it on!

This is me. Welcome to my world.

I used to love this song. As in buong puso. Kaso noon yun. Naalala ko lang bigla. Haheher!